Have a nice decade: The Great CNBC Sucks exits on a winning note

Is this Michelle Caruso-Cabrera in a bikini? I actually don't know if I even care. OK, I care a little. (hat tip Drunk Trader)

Hey buddy, welcome to CNBC Sucks.  I am The Great CNBC Sucks, the Publisher of this blog.  I named myself The Great CNBC Sucks when it became clear that I had become the undisputed market leader of the growing worldwide CNBC sucks industry, and because it made me sound like a magician.  I started this blog on June 6, 2008 because the busty bimbo non-geologist Michelle Caruso-Cabrera (left, possibly) annoyed me to the point that I had to create the definitive CNBC sucks blog.  If you are new to CNBC Sucks (or, come to think of it, if you have been here previously), welcome, you have arrived just in time to read my final post.  It has been a long time coming – over a year, in fact — and I have tried to quit many times, but now I simply have no desire left to be The Great CNBC Sucks.  I had thought about redesigning and repositioning the blog for when it reaches one million page views, and using its traffic to electronically publish the novel that I have in my head but not yet on paper.  But I have decided to write that novel — if I ever do write a novel — under my own name, and to leave this blog as it is for posterity.

In this final, long, and eclectic post, I cover three topics: (1) Always Vote for the Democrat, (2) What’s Next for The Great CNBC Sucks, and (3) Top Ten Lessons About Life That I Learned from Fantasy Football.  Of course, I sprinkle in a decent dosage of obligatory buxom babe photos.  Why change now?

Always Vote for the Democrat

What had started as a rant blog in response to the idiocy of CNBC became a crusade to try to persuade my horny, mostly male audience to always vote for the Democrat, a great irony considering that I remain a registered Republican.  I like to say that I remain a registered Republican in case our country descends into the seemingly inevitable hell of Fascism (with the one remaining political party being the Republicans, for the clueless out there), but the reality is that I simply feel out of place in the Democratic Party.  I know this firsthand because I have tried to personally get involved and active within the Democratic Party, and I find Democrats — the women especially — too perky, enthusiastic, and cheerful.  Now, getting involved in the Democratic Party is a tremendously fine idea for you young guys, because large-breasted women tend to be Democrats (you should only be a Republican if you are already rich), but it is less comfortable for someone who grew up idolizing Pat Buchanan.  Also, I have always thought Democrats give the people what they want, while Republicans give the people what they need.  Well, let this Republican give you the advice that you need: Always vote for the Democrat.

Why should you always vote for the Democrat?  Beyond the fact that Republicans have been largely in control for much of the last thirty years leading to our current situation, you and I are more likely to die a violent or otherwise horrible death with the Republicans in power.  We are an exceedingly far right-of-center country; Democrats would be the right-wing party in all other developed nations of the planet.  We Americans are always predisposed to think we are in the right, always predisposed to use force to prove it.  We are the choir in Lord of the Flies.  If the seemingly inevitable shit of an economic collapse hits the fan sometime in the future with Republicans in power, there is a higher likelihood that we will turn to war and / or some sort of police state to try to deal with our problems — including the ensuing internal chaos — when the only solution is to try to work cohesively among ourselves and with other countries to jointly solve the shared problems of an imbalanced global economic system and limited natural resources.  We need a sustained kind, gentle landing that is possible only with Democrats, as spineless as they seem to be, as clueless as they can be.  We may get lost at times with the Democrats, but the Republicans are a guaranteed return to the pathway to Hell.  You can forget the distracting pipe dreams of a third party; America has a two-party political system.  You have two choices – Democrat or Republican — and not voting Democratic helps Republicans.

Beginning twenty years ago, and aided by technology, we accelerated globalization and opened up China, India, Eastern Europe, and other emerging markets to minimize labor costs and maximize corporate profits.  In the short term, this arrangement helped to stimulate consumption in the US, giving us cheap TVs and iPods, but in the long term, it made most Americans — except for the elite, many of whom actually benefit from a “winner-take-all” global economy – more expensive and less competitive than many of their counterparts elsewhere in the world.  The role of most Americans in the global economy became increasingly marginalized to that of consumer and debtor.  This is partially why we have a 40-year-old trade deficit that in 2006 ran as high as 7% of GDP, a national debt exceeding $12 trillion, and a real unemployment rate over 17%, and why we have “kicked the can” out of the financial meltdown by printing so much money that we risk turning the US dollar into toilet paper sometime in the future.  At the same time, we made it possible for the rest of the world to aspire to our lifestyles, putting even more pressure on the world’s natural resources and intensifying competition for those resources.  The upshot to all of this is an inescapably pessimistic vision of the future, but a survivable one with Democrats in control, not so much with Republicans.  We might even be able to avoid the shit hitting the fan altogether with the Democrats; the rest of the world is more likely to help us prevent our collapse (as they have in the past year) if they are comfortable we won’t bomb them and their children to the next stone age.

I felt I should explain why I have been so adamant that we need Democrats to be in control for the next thirty years, but I really did not need to do so.  This blog is not a political or financial debate blog.  There are innumerable blogs where you can talk at people with your unchangeable opinions, and the people can talk back at you with their unchangeable opinions, and you make yourself feel as if you had an intellectual discourse.  This is not one of those blogs.  I get a fair amount of traffic but not many comments.  This is a blog whereby Amanda Drury (below) shows up at the CNBC USA studios in New Jersey for two weeks (like now), thousands of people search for content about her or her cleavage, and they get served a simple and direct political message by The Great CNBC Sucks.  Heck, these days, most of my traffic is generated by searches that have absolutely nothing to do with politics, finance, or CNBC, and a lot of people leave my site with the notion that CNBC just might suck even if they have never actually watched it.  Advertising works, the power of suggestion works, and this blog has one purpose: to promote the Democratic Party in a way that no other blog does, all the while exploiting the Republican propaganda machine that is CNBC against itself.  I reach a horny male audience that the Democrats have trouble reaching with a message that the Democrats would never use: Large-breasted women tend to be Democrats, so join the Democratic Party.  Try to find another blog like mine.  Between now and the 2012 Presidential elections, I should generate another one million page views.  WordPress does not provide statistics on unique visitors, but since I do not get a lot of comments and have few regular readers, I probably have a high ratio of unique visitors to page views.  That means a significant number of horny male voters get a simple message that just might resonate.  Every vote counts.

Before I move on to my second topic, let me add one more thought about why you should always vote for the Democrat.  You never read this anywhere, but we outspend the Chinese by a ten-to-one margin on defense.  Did you know that?  I bet you didn’t until I mentioned it here.  We are by far militarily the most powerful nation on Earth.  The greatest threat to us comes from within, not without.  That’s the way it’s always been with societies.  You don’t need the Republicans to protect you.  You need to protect yourself from the Republicans.

Amanda Drury's cleavage reporting live from Sidney...thanks for the page views, babe.

What’s Next for The Great CNBC Sucks

You know, friend, it felt like it took a decade to write that first topic.  It may have felt like a decade for you to read it.  Clearly, it is time for The Great CNBC Sucks to make his final exit.  Blogging as The Great CNBC Sucks feels like a chore now, whereas once it was a compulsion.  It took the desire to get this final post done before midnight on December 31st to start composing it on December 30th.  I will always have my ten posts of 2009 on the front page of this blog.  If you might notice, I have blogged very little in 2009, and even less so about CNBC itself.  I do not watch CNBC; I have not watched it for a longer time than I can remember.  I tuned in yesterday just to check out why Mandy Drury and Michele Caruso-Cabrera were generating so much traffic to my blog; I was wondering if there was some sort of tit-off competition or mud wrestling or if the two were somehow going nipple-to-nipple onscreen.  All I managed to catch at first was some guy named Jason Pride yapping on Squawk Box with the no-shit caption under his face, “Pride: Employment growth is key ingredient to economic growth”.  Jason, you need to have more pride than that.  Then, I was able to catch a few minutes of Mandy on Squawk on the Street; yep, OK, she was yummy.  I did not stick around for Cabrera.  If you watch CNBC and get annoyed, turn it off.  Of course, I appreciate you visiting CNBC Sucks instead as your response, because I am a page-view whore, but personally, I just treat the channel on which CNBC is broadcast as if it were not there.  I wish my cable company would give me a refund for the CNBC portion of my basic cable fee, but of course it will not.  I should not single out CNBC, however.  My appetite for all media and electronic forms of communication has been weakening for some time.

I crave real human contact and real human deeds.  For a couple of years now, I run 3 – 4 miles per day, year-round, even in the deepest of winter, eschewing the stationary bike or a treadmill.  I do push-ups, sit-ups, and some light free weights; I use no machines a la Herschel Walker (although, let’s be clear, I do a lot fewer reps than Herschel Walker).  I absolutely love the natural way with which I take care of my body.  Now, I want to build real relationships with my fellow human beings, and rely less so on electronics.  By that, I mean in my business and personal life; after this, I will have hardly a virtual life.  There will be no more “pseudonymous commenter” named The Great CNBC Sucks, as my virtual buddy John Carney described me.  I do hope to maintain the virtual friendships that I have developed — with Megan and Maureen and Jimbo and Carney and a few peeps from The Fuck You Blog and its fantasy football league.  I may occasionally lurk Carney’s The Business Insider, Barry Ritholtz’s The Fuck You Blog, Andy T’s The Sigma Nu Blog (everybody knows what “T” stands for, Andy), or Henry Blodget and Aaron Task on Yahoo Tech Ticker, but even lurking financial blogs requires effort now.  These days, I look forward the most to the newest posts from James Kunstler (although I do not quite share the relish of his pessimism) and People of Wal-Mart.

What’s next then for The Great CNBC Sucks?  In the next and final topic, I discuss the importance of good goal setting.  Over the last few months, and perhaps even the past two years, I have discovered what I really want out of life at this point in my life: To become a good father.  I have broken down to their barest essence the objective of life – which is to propagate – and the objective of every organism — which is to reproduce itself.  After a year and a half, I have concluded that the South African was wrong after all and I am not a misanthrope: I love the human race, our good more than makes up for our bad, and together, we shall overcome our challenges.  Over my time as The Great CNBC Sucks, I have learned that while my eyes, mind, and heart might see, think, and sense a pessimistic future, my soul will have absolutely none of it.  That is the human spirit, and it burns in me.  I want to add my contribution to the human race; I want my progeny to share in its destiny.  The wonderful — or awful, depending on your point of view — part of being a human parent is that it requires at least two sustained decades of being a good man to be a truly good father.  But, again as I discuss in the next topic, goals must define all behavior.  I am more than happy to sacrifice everything to become a good father.  Thank goodness, due to four decades of an extended childhood, I look and feel a fraction of my age.  Never having been materialistic — despite being a Top 5 MBA school graduate — I feel more oriented toward generating and accumulating resources than ever.  Up to this point, I have lived life for my own ego.  I look forward to being a more fully realized man, to becoming a good father and a wealthy businessman for my future children, and to a great life ahead.

The massively busty Tyra Banks in a bikini 10 years apart: If Tyra can quit her daytime talk show, I can certainly quit the blogosphere. See ya.

Top Ten Lessons About Life That I Learned from Fantasy Football

Alright, I have a few hours before the New Year’s Eve party and I have to knock this topic off in a hurry.  Time is money, and if you aren’t having fun, you better be making money.  I had wanted to write this bit throughout my successful first and final season of fantasy football.  I think it was more for me than for you, but I figured if I were going to write it for myself anyway, I might as well publish it on CNBC Sucks.  Every vote counts and every bit of content helps; that is the way of search engine optimization.  Speaking of search engine optimization, permit me to add the completely off-topic but large-breasted Katy Perry to this post before I move on to the list.  It seems that Katy Perry and Eva Amurri will be competing head-to-head, so to speak, as having the most thought-about, talked-about, and searched breasteses on the Internet between now and Election Day 2012.  I don’t want to miss out a moment longer.

Katy Perry in a bikini during a 2008 vacation to Mexico: Katy Perry may well be the only other celebrity that can "stack up" to Eva Amurri in the breast department. Check out the bod, the hat, and the attitude...wow. Not only that, but she sings! I'm kind of a male music groupie.

OK, here are The Top Ten Lessons About Life That I Learned from Fantasy Football:

1. Don’t play fantasy football.  Yes, you read that right.  You aren’t reading sour grapes from someone who failed at or doesn’t like fantasy football (FF).  I loved FF, its beautiful intricacy, how it combines skill and luck.  But to be really good at it, FF requires a lot of work, and you worry about the most stupid things like whether to start Beanie Wells, Tim Hightower, or Marion Barber.  You also wind up recording NFL games because you don’t want to spend your entire Sundays glued to both the TV and Yahoo StatTracker.  I would rather relax watching the games I really want to watch and spend the rest of an autumn Sunday with a nice visit to the zoo.  Get out of the house!  If you say you are in it for the prize money, you gotta be kidding me.  There are an infinite number of easier ways to make money.  FF does provide you a more objective, enhanced appreciation of the NFL, so playing one season of FF might make sense.  But think of all the better non-virtual, non-fantasy things you could be doing with your time and your energy.
2. Defining the right goal is the most important thing.  Before I started playing, I thought I might go undefeated in my first season of FF; such was my confidence in my NFL knowledge and general intellect.  Even though I drafted 8th in a league of 10, I thought I had drafted so well that I could overcome the fact that I had to take a wide receiver, Larry Fitzgerald, with my first pick because all of the “stud running backs” were gone.  Then, I got destroyed in my first two games by a combined margin of 108.60 points.  My poor start was the best thing that could have happened to me, because it compelled me to recalibrate my goals to what I can and cannot control.  It also made me examine the weaknesses in my roster and the nature of uncertainty in FF.  I determined that making the playoffs could be decided by a certain amount of skill (and thus was somewhat controllable), while winning the championship requires a bit more luck.  I was later happy to find this notion supported by a couple of articles, here and here.  Defining and publicly stating “making the playoffs” as my goal for the season was crucial to my success and personal satisfaction in my first and only year of FF, because it provided enough stretch, was not too unrealistic, and I had a fair amount of control over the outcome.
3. Understand the game, what you can and must control, and how to manage luck.  When I lost my first two games of the season, I became painfully aware of the randomness of FF.  I underperformed my projected FF points by an average of 23. 59 points, while my opponents outperformed theirs by an average of 30.89 points.  Through the entire 16-game season, including the playoffs, my team underperformed projections by an average of 6.50 points per game, while the opposing team outperformed projections by an average of 4.08 points per game.  Yet, I finished the regular-season with a record of 8 – 6, achieved my goal of making the playoffs, and had the bonus of winning the bronze trophy as the 3rd Place team in my one season of FF.  How did I do it?  I determined that the major sources of my negative performance variances were my weak running backs and my over reliance on wide receivers.  I learned early that I should always try to use running backs instead of wide receivers as my flex, because running backs offer both higher upside and lower downside than wide receivers.  The great open secret of FF is to never use a wide receiver as your flex if you have a comparable quality of running back available!  I therefore worked my ass off throughout the season to continually build as strong a stable of running backs as possible so that I could always start three competitive running backs.  In addition, I recognized that the 7 bye weeks, Weeks 4 – 10, altered the competitive terrain — by restricting and defining whom I can start and whom my opponents can start – such that 5 of the 7 matchups were ”very winnable”, with a projected point-difference advantage for me of over 12 points, or the equivalent of two rushing or receiving touchdowns.  I concentrated my roster moves on strengthening my lineup for the five ”very winnable” games — instead of trying to win all seven – and won all five of those games, which formed the backbone of my regular-season success.  I lost the other two in which I had only a marginal projected advantage.  Throughout the season, I gave myself a reasonable opportunity to win with a projected advantage in every game except my two against the eventual Champion, The Laveranues Coles Project.  He annihilated me in our first game in Week 2, but the performance variances worked out in my favor in Week 11, handing him his only loss of the season.  He finished 15 – 1.  I am the one.
4. There is no substitute for experience, but you don’t have to wait until next year for it.  There are too many secrets of FF that I learned to discuss here, such as why it is generally a waste to carry more than one tight end except for his bye week, even if your tight end is Greg Olsen.  I also figured out a lot of dirty tricks, such as encouraging and strengthening the weaker teams you don’t have to play again so that they cause havoc as spoilers against the other playoff contenders at the end of the regular season.  I would have learned these competitive strategies and tactics too slowly if I had approached FF passively – just setting my rosters on a weekly basis, putting in minimal research, limiting my roster moves to the waiver wire instead of attempting trades, not interacting with anybody.  To the contrary, I studied the league extensively early-on, all of the rosters and the matchups outside of my own, and all the happenings in the NFL.  I immersed myself in FF from the beginning.  I made 4 trades by Week 3 (and 9 of The Fuck You Blog FF League’s 17 total), including a crucial trade by which I acquired DeSean Jackson plus Donald Brown for essentially two waiver-wire pickups, even though “it’s generally a waste of time to attempt fantasy football trades in September”, according to Yahoo’s Scott Pianowski.  Those 4 trades required over 20 formal trade proposals and informal trade overtures, but it allowed me to get acquainted with all of the other managers.  Some of those lines of communications that I opened early proved to be useful throughout the season, for maintaining necessary alliances in the league, trades, and ”helping” the weaker teams to play spoilers.
5. Once you properly define your goal, be prepared to sacrifice everything to achieve that goal.  Clearly, I pulled out all the stops to make the playoffs.  No one in the history of FF ever worked harder just to acquire Tim Hightower (trading Marshawn Lynch, Johnny Knox, and Tashard Choice before Week 5), but Hightower gave me the solid RB3 that I desperately needed as my flex.  (Of course, I continued to suffer with Matt Forte and Marion Barber as my atrocious RB1 and RB2 for much of the season, until I eventually replaced them with Chris Johnson and Beanie Wells.)  I also sacrificed a good virtual friendship to pre-empt at all costs any discussion of a potential mid-season rules change that would have disadvantaged my chances at the playoffs.  I chose not to care about anything that happened in the league other than me achieving my singular goal.  But an even more interesting corollary to this lesson became apparent as I had to make over 20 trade attempts early in the season in order to execute 4.  Anything involving other people can be very hard to implement and require a heavy allocation of resources, and thus: You should limit the number of your goals that depend on other people’s behavior, in accordance with your resources.  It can take a lot of resources (salesmanship, tact, time, etc.) to make other people do what you want them to do, whether it is to trade Tim Hightower to you, like you as a person, buy your product, or whatever.  When you consider the infinite number of things that we can pursue in life and the extremely finite resources with which we can pursue them, there is a second, perhaps more debatable corollary: Only set goals for which you are willing to sacrifice everything.  And this second corollary begs the ever-burning time-management question: If something does not help you achieve a goal, why do it?
6. It is better to annoy than to be annoyed, but try not to be annoying.  In my all-out campaign to make the playoffs, I pulled all sorts of crap on the league message board to somehow throw my competition off their game, perhaps fouling up the league’s group dynamics to such an extent that nobody has posted on that message board since December 17th!  I don’t really feel bad about it, because I felt compelled to use any and all levers at my disposal, and I was planning to play only one season of FF anyway.  However, I would certainly not recommend “all-out Sun Tzu” bad behavior in a keeper or dynasty league.  Also, never get annoyed by anyone because you never know when he (or she) might drop a good player on waivers.  I won’t name names.
7. Lose your prejudices.  I missed out on drafting, trading for, or picking up Cedric Benson, Thomas Jones, Vernon Davis, and a few others because I thought they were losers for life, and it cost me.  Don’t be too harsh in judging people by their appearance or their past.  I would have missed out on acquiring Chris Johnson (by trading DeSean Jackson, Matt Forte, and LeSean McCoy before Week 9) if I had continued to dismiss him as a fragile wide receiver playing running back.  I almost didn’t pick up Beanie Wells from the free-agent pool before his stock rose after mid-season, just because he was from Ohio State.  Be up with people!
8. A man’s gotta embrace some limitations, including his inability to time travel, predict the future, and play defense in fantasy football.  By “some limitations”, I mean those that are not reasonably within our control.  To illustrate, I lost to The Minnesota Kid in the Semifinal by a score of 142.22 - 104.42.  I was always vulnerable against his roster in particular because his Reggie Wayne and Dallas Clark counter my Peyton Manning, and then he has MJD.  In Week 15, even my optimal lineup could not have beaten him.  I would have beaten The Minnesota Kid if I had a time machine to go back to August so that I could draft Wayne and Clark instead of Marion Barber and LenDale White in the 4th and 6th rounds, respectively, or if I had a crystal ball to predict Jerome Harrison’s 47.80-point explosion that week.  Unfortunately, I don’t have a time machine or a crystal ball.  And since you cannot play defense in FF, the only other way I could have won the Semifinal would have involved some sort of interstate travel and criminal activity, probably resulting in felony prosecution and years of imprisonment.  We Americans regard limitations with derision and hate the idea of ceilings that prevent us from getting to the top, but I lost to The Minnesota Kid twice, and because of him, 3rd Place was my ceiling.  Yet, as I discuss in my final two lessons below, I not only accept this ceiling, but I am ecstatic to occupy it.  As an additional benefit, FF provided a wonderful training environment for developing the valuable skill of selective memory.  Because there are only 17 weeks in the NFL regular season, each week is crucial in FF, and you learn to accept your inability to time travel, quickly discard those memories of the past that are useless to you, and always focus on what you can control or influence in the present and the future.  It was relatively easy for me to maintain this discipline, because I was ”lucky” that I never lost by less than 11.92 points!  Nevertheless, this is a corollary: Selective memory and the ability to embrace some limitations can be competitive advantages.
9. You have to want “it” more than the other guy.  “It” can mean anything for which you compete in life, but for this discussion, ”it” was 3rd Place.  I wrote that my only goal was to make the playoffs, but to be completely honest, I wanted a trophy in my only season of FF.  I also wanted my overall career record to be 9 – 7 instead of 8 – 8, and I did not want to retire with two losses at the end.  For whatever reason, my 3rd Place Game opponent, 8/9ths of a Grandma, did not replace an injured and inactive DeAngelo Williams with a healthy running back in his Week 16 lineup.  Now, neither of his backup running backs would have won the 3rd Place Game for him, as the final score was 124.10 – 105.54 in my favor.  But the week’s undisputed #1 waiver pickup, Jerome Harrison, was available in our league all the way to late Saturday morning, and Harrison’s 18.80 points in Week 16 would have beaten me by 0.24 points.  Perhaps, 8/9ths of a Grandma may have decided to just be nice to The Great CNBC Sucks, but clearly, he did not want 3rd Place as much.
10. Good enough can be perfect.  I won a 3rd Place trophy in my one season of FF, finishing 9 – 7 overall, and I ended my career on a winning note during an instant classic between the Minnesota Vikings and the Chicago Bears.  With no money on the line, I actually preferred the bronze to the silver, because it meant I won my last game.  Sure, I would have loved the gold trophy, but the only way I could have won that was with a time machine or a crystal ball.  Not winning the gold also eliminated any and all foolish temptation to write about FF beyond this final post.  I could not have been happier on Monday night.  I get to leave you a winner.

Due to fantasy football, I watched more ESPN than I would normally like. Nicole Manske covers NASCAR, but I think that cleavage will generate more page views than either Wendi Nix or Stephania Bell.

Well, that’s it from The Great CNBC Sucks.  I have to get to this party; I am very late already.  Over a year and a half, I have done all that I can to save America.  Happy New Year, have a nice decade, and remember: Always vote for the Democrat!  I leave you with a video of U2’s “One” from ABC’s coverage of the 2006 World Cup in Germany, without explanation.  This one’s for me.

Susan Sarandon and Tim Robbins split up; Eva Amurri reportedly not responsible

Well, I haven’t actually taken the time to read what caused the breakup, but I will do anything for the page views.  Cuz I am a page-view whore.

Always vote for the Democrat.

Welcome to The Eva Amurri Network: All Eva Amurri, All The Time!

Love is the only thing that matters…as long as it is the only thing that matters to both people

For whatever reason, I unexpectedly enjoyed and appreciate this utterly sophomoric and immature parody of Sugarland’s Stay.  Yeah, why don’t you stay?

Never mind.

Thanks, fellas.

The Great CNBC Sucks makes the playoffs of The Fuck You Blog FF League in his first and only season of fantasy football

In a demonstration of his rapid mastery over America’s modern #1 sports distraction, fantasy football (FF), The Great CNBC Sucks qualified last night for the playoffs of The Fuck You Blog FF League with a 100.90 – 67.18 victory over Obviously Too Busy to Play FF.  (The names of all competitors, including aliases, in The Fuck You Blog FF League will be altered on the CNBC Sucks blog to protect the innocent and the not-so-innocent, just because I like you guys so much.  And I do mean guys.)  Despite never having played FF before, starting off with the #8 pick (out of 10) in the draft, losing the first two games of the season by a combined 108.60 points, and being annoyed all season long by a veritable All-Star Team of 2009 NFL Disappointments including Matt Forte, Marion Barber, Steve Smith, Greg Olsen, and Jason Elam, the persistent and pugnacious Mr. Sucks (or just Sucks, or The Great One, or CNBCS, or “Mr. Fuck You” to the widely respected financial commentator Barry Ritholtz) out-traded (participating in 9 of the league’s 17 trades) and out-noised a league of smart, experienced FF players to claw his way out of an 0 – 2 hole to an 8 – 6 record, third place in the regular season, and a Week 15 Semi-Final Match-Up against The Minnesota Kid this weekend.  In addition to his playoff accomplishment, The Great CNBC Sucks recorded the only regular-season victory — a 106.76 – 92.46 win in Week 11 — over The Laveranues Coles Project, the league’s dominant team at 13 – 1 and the prohibitive favorite to take The Fuck You Championship.

Although he has two games remaining in the playoffs, The Great CNBC Sucks took a cue from both George H.W. Bush (that would be the father) and George W. Bush (that was the last guy) and declared “mission accomplished” as he achieved his primary and only objective of making the playoffs in his first and only season of fantasy football.  Effective at the end of this season, The Great CNBC Sucks is retired as an active participant in America’s modern #1 sports distraction, fantasy football.

More on my season of FF if and when I ever get around to it…I had wanted to write “Top Ten Lessons About Life That I Learned From Fantasy Football”, but I do not have the energy for it.  Enjoy what you got, always.

Happy Holidays from The Great CNBC Sucks

I don’t really have much to say these days except Happy Holidays.  Six posts to date in 2009, and a declining presence elsewhere in the blogosphere.  I don’t watch CNBC.

To celebrate my making The Fuck You Blog FF League playoffs in my first and last season of fantasy football, here are some photos of NFL cheerleaders in holiday garb in this totally uninspired post.  Be nice to people, work hard, count your blessings, and always vote for the Democrat, as if your life depended on it.  Because it does.

PS #1: I will have to write that novel to make the rest of you understand, but if that is the case with you, then you would not be the low-hanging fruit that is my target audience for this blog.

PS #2: Photo layout on this post with WordPress was a major-league pain in the ass.  Inspired by the widely respected financial commentator Barry Ritholtz, I decided to say “fuck you” to proper layout and just fit these babe photos as conveniently for me as possible.

PS #3: There is love.  And then there is love.  And just when you thought you knew what love is…never mind.  You will meet many people in your life, and only a few will make a real difference.  The distribution of human relationships is non-linear.  But to keep it simple, be good to the women in your life.

Hey Arizona Cardinals, woo hoo! I have Fitz, THT, and Beanie on my FF team.

Baltimore Ravens...hmmm, I don't have anybody.

I had intended to post two photos of the legendary Dallas Cowboys Cheerleaders, but since Marion Barber was such a pain in the FF ass, you only get one.

The Indianapolis Butterfaces...I mean the Indianapolis Colts, excuse me. I couldn't have made the playoffs without Peyton Manning.

Oh yeah, Tennessee Titans! God protect that Chris Johnson. Hey, did I tell you I led The Fuck You Blog FF League in players with dreadlocks?

Of course I didn't have any Washington Redskins, but check out her cleavage.

Eva Amurri is not an NFL cheerleader, but I think we have safely segued to the topic of cleavage.

This is Eva Amurri's mom, Susan Sarandon. She is old. Does it matter? Thank you.

I made the famous, often nationally televised financial commentator and author Barry Ritholtz blow up today.

http://www.ritholtz.com/blog/2009/12/stephen-colbert-feds-dead/

What did you do?

Serena Williams’ foot fault and meltdown threaten US healthcare reform and global climate change action…I really like that Caroline Wozniacki

This post has nothing to do with Simona Halep, because I obviously did not do very thorough research on busty tennis players. But I needed a photo above the fold.

Ahhh, racial hatred.  It rears its ugly head every so often in America and is the flutter of a butterfly’s wings that can alter the political and geopolitical course of an entire planet.  Everytime black people act repugnantly, somebody becomes a Republican.

I have never liked the Williams sisters, Venus and Serena.  In fact, I dislike them, both of them, a lot.  Disliking the Williams sisters is anathema among politically correct circles in places like Flushing Meadows, New York, but let’s face it: The Williams sisters and the entire Williams family make it easy to dislike black people.  It’s not about them being black either.  I mean, seriously: If Tyra Banks were bouncing around with her 36D milk wagons on a tennis court, would The Great CNBC Sucks dislike her?  Of course not.  I don’t like the Williams sisters because they are arrogant, annoying, and I don’t like looking at them.  Venus is OK, but she is not exactly Venus, and Serena…well, sure she has big breasts, but she also has arms that remind me of former Tampa Bay Buccaneers linebacking great Derrick Brooks.  In fact, at about the same height, strength, and athleticism as Brooks, I am fairly sure Serena Williams can play weakside linebacker in a Tampa Cover 2 scheme.

I am also fairly sure I am not alone in my opinion.

So when Serena Williams foot-faulted and went off in a massive, foul-mouthed, and threatening tirade against a tiny line umpire on her way out of the US Open last night, you had to figure there were people watching who were thinking “well, maybe this national healthcare reform thing isn’t such a good idea” or “hmmm, you know we had a relatively cool summer, we don’t really need to do anything about climate change, do we?” or even “Serena Williams is black, Barack Obama is black, I don’t like Serena Williams so I don’t like Barack Obama”.  When Williams goes to her post-match press conference and remains unrepentant and unapologetic for her ugly behavior in her trademark spacy way, you had to figure someone was thinking “come to think of it, maybe I like that Rush Limbaugh after all”.  Ridiculous, you say?  Well, that’s because you are an overly optimistic liberal elitist who is out-of-touch with human nature.  People make illogical, irrational, even moronic associations all the time.  Sometimes, they make these associations consciously and immediately — Serena Williams is black, healthcare reform helps black people, I don’t like healthcare reform because I don’t like Serena Williams – and sometimes they make them subconsciously, only to bubble up later at an inopportune time, like in a voting booth.  Whenever a black athlete acts like an ass, Republicans win votes.  Trust me on this: Serena Williams took Joe Wilson off the hook.

Never mind Serena Williams.  Below are photos of US Open finalist Hottey Non-Flattey Caroline Wozniacki and somebody named Tamira Paszek, who has big breasts.  The Great CNBC Sucks will be back.  I will just keep you guessing when.  Give me lots of page views.

Note: This post was formerly entitled “Vote for Barack Obama” and was originally published on June 20, 2008.  I had written: “I am done for a while. I have tons of work to do. I think I am doing all that I can to balance out the disinformation, propaganda, and clueless bullshit that CNBC spews out that can be dangerous to our country. The solution to our problems this time is simple, the differences between the two candidates are so stark. Please vote for Barack Obama, or read the issues more diligently before November.”  There was an embedded YouTube video of Obama’s “Country I Love” Presidential campaign TV ad that is now private but can be found here.

Hi, I am Caroline Wozniacki. Do you like my nice breasts?

Melanie, I am sorry I beat you and that you are so flat-chested.

Yes, my legs go all the way up. Did I mention I have nice breasts?

Grass on the field? PLAY BALL!

Hello, my name is Tamira Paszek and I have big breasts.

My heavy breasts cause me to fall down. You like my English?

I am sure you like my choice of tennis outfit. You like my English?

Look, mister. I may not be that pretty to you, but I have big breasts.

Just for the page views: Yeah, Amanda Drury has a rack (but Eva Amurri has an even bigger rack…and oh, ALWAYS VOTE FOR THE DEMOCRAT)

Of course, I do not mention Hottey Flattey Becky Quick in a post about big breasts, but I needed a CNBC babe photo above the fold. Cchh-cchh-chicks so hot, cchh-cchh-chicks so hot...

This post was formerly entitled ”Megalosaurus”, originally published June 21, 2008.  It had exactly three page views in the one-year-plus that it existed.  The text was “Is this what you were looking for?  VOTE FOR BARACK OBAMA”, with an embedded photo of John “Megalosaurus” McCain, which can be found here.  I still have my perfect 200 posts.

I read on the “Wall Street tabloid” Dealbreaker that Amanda Drury (or Mandy Drury, or the Australian chick on CNBC with the legs and the cleavage, for search engine optimization purposes) would be returning to CNBC USA for two weeks in August (that would be August 2009), so of course I felt compelled to repurpose one more old, infrequently viewed post to generate a few more page views.  At the rate CNBC Sucks is progressing, this blog will generate its one-millionth page view in September 2011.  Sure, that is very modest traffic, but CNBC itself does not draw a huge viewership and a bulk of my hits comes not from guys looking to read my thoughts on the long bond, but rather from guys interested in Eva Amurri’s cleavage, a cleavage so cavernous that you can live in it.

So, what did I want to write about Amanda Drury?  Well, I no longer read Barry’s blog much anymore these days, much less comment there, much less watch CNBC, so I will not be practically liveblogging her appearance like some people.  But that does not stop me from capturing page views (because I am a page-view whore) by providing prepackaged confirmatory information for Amanda Drury’s appearances on CNBC this month and forevermore that (a) yes, she is a C cup, or a 34C, or an almost D cup on a good day, (b) yes, she is very hot and has that cool Australian accent, and (c) yes, we all want to have sex with her.  I have no illusions about how my blog works.  Just because someone calls CNBC Sucks the “best blog of the decade” or another mentions Voltaire when writing about me does not overly inflate my ego.  My ego is at the proper huge level of inflation.

Speaking of proper huge levels of inflation, I will end this post with three photos of Amanda Drury and five photos of Eva Amurri.  I figure Eva Amurri’s breasts are at least 1.67x the size of Amanda Drury’s, so that ratio seems about right.  Before I close, let me just say this: Try to be good to each other, and ALWAYS VOTE FOR THE DEMOCRAT.  I think bad times are ahead of us, and for a long time, and thus I will be focused on my own life, my own preparations, my own problems, my own enjoyment of the life that is mine.  Try not to live life with regret, or bitterness, or any negativity.  Try to be a good, kind, gentle, loving human being, like the boy in Cormac McCarthy’s The Road.  Hopefully, someday, I will get a book published, and I hope you buy it and enjoy it.  I will no longer proclaim the end of The Great CNBC Sucks, because I may post here again from time to time.  Unfortunately for you, you will never know when, so click, click, click, and give me lots of page views.

And now, just for you, my dear, precious fans – Amanda and Eva and the widely beloved captions from The Great CNBC Sucks:

Hello, my name is Amanda Drury and I have big breasts.

Whoever took this picture didn't use proper screen capture technology, but you don't care because I look smouldering in this one with my pursed, pouty lips and you see a hint of my tanned cleavage.

Whoever dates me is a happy man because of my flawless skin, tanned cleavage, and the naughty things that I can say with an Australian accent.

The hell with you, Amanda Drury. I am Eva Amurri and I have HUGE breasts.

My breasts are so large that I have side cleavage.

I have big boobies because I am Susan Sarandon's daughter.

Does my cleavage distract you from my autograph, or vice versa? Yes, idiot, there is an autograph there.

I am not looking at you because my breasts are so enormous that I don't have to pay attention to you. By the way, I wonder what is going on in Tim Robbins' mind (and pants) every time I visit my mom.

The Great CNBC Sucks’ aborted career with The Business Insider

Trish Regan: a class act

This page was formerly entitled ”Zap Xebra”, originally published June 20, 2008.  It had exactly one page view in the one-year-plus that it existed.  The text was “Very cool…now visit the rest of my Web site and VOTE FOR BARACK OBAMA”, with an embedded YouTube video, which can be found here.

I still have my perfect 200 posts.

The Great CNBC Sucks had agreed with John Carney to blog for The Business Insider twice per month.  Unfortunately, the process of getting the first article below published was so frustrating that The Great CNBC Sucks deemed the entire endeavor would be a distraction and a waste of time.  I had traded emails with CNBC’s Trish Regan (left) to interview her for a later piece for The Business Insider, but I will be telling her to forget I asked.  That’s too bad; I was actually going to shoot for a more professional, serious style and content – of which I feel she is deserving – and I think it would have been a great interview and a unique interaction between a CNBC on-air personality and The Great CNBC Sucks.

Following are the article and personal bio which I submitted to Carney that never got published on The Business Insider:

The Great CNBC Sucks Blogs for The Business Insider, Wishes He Were Jewish
by The Great CNBC Sucks, July 26, 2009

The Great CNBC Sucks scores his first major scoop for The Business Insider: Starting today, The Great CNBC Sucks blogs for The Business Insider.  The plan is for me to submit an article to Carney for publication on the 1st and 15th of every month.  If John somehow manages to slip it past Henry, America gets a literary paycheck, if you will.  However, I had the urge to write ahead of schedule, and so we begin the plan with an exception.  Call it a surprise literary signing bonus.

Yesterday, I decided to Tweeter my daily four-mile jog.  Despite suffering from terminal envy of and intimidation by Henry’s massive followers-to-updates ratio, I am so fascinated by the pure absurdity of Tweeter that The Great CNBC Sucks must Tweet.  Of course, being a borderline-insane (some women will just say insane), obsessive-compulsive, extremist genius, I must take any absurdity to its limits, and thus, the Tweeter Jog is born.  You readers can find those Tweets here courtesy of The Great CNBC Sucks Megalomaniac Network, but be forewarned that they contain more shameful, vile, prurient, testosterone-driven, id-borne utterances than the comments section of a Dealbreaker post.

At the end of my run, I rested on a park bench for a few minutes before I was surrounded by a group of Jews who were arriving for a group picnic.  I assume the people were Jewish because about one-third of the men were wearing kippot.  Having always been fascinated by Jews – I have always been blessed with Jewish best friends, often rejected by Jewish women, and I almost even converted to Judaism until I concluded that a yarmulke was a direct invitation to a bald spot – I decided to vacate the premises for the water fountain but then surreptitiously observed the festivities from afar.

What I saw at the “Jewish picnic” made me wince with Jewish envy.  While, of course, some of the men wore their religion on their head, no one seemed to wear their religion on their sleeve.  It felt odd to witness a group of people obviously bonded together by a religious heritage enjoy each other’s company without religion being the defining and unifying factor.  The people ate, and talked amongst themselves, and played Frisbee, and I got the feeling that Abraham, Moses, or even Yahweh was the farthest thing from these people’s minds.  I also developed a deep suspicion that there were some secularists, agnostics, and even atheists present at that “Jewish picnic”.

Now, try including some secularists, agnostics, and atheists at a “Christian picnic”.  You can’t.  What images come to your mind if I suggested that we go to a “Christian picnic”?  Fish symbols?  Antiseptic, hypocritical, holier-than-thou company?  Awful Christian rock?  The very word “Christian” has become defined by the most rabid, fundamentalist, born-again fringe, just as “Republican” has become defined by the most corporatist, militarist, right-wing extreme.  While any Jew is a Jew and will always have the privilege of being a Jew, there are many “Christians” who would deny me my “Christianity” merely on the basis that I am Roman Catholic, much less my “un-Christian” beliefs and behavior.  And what makes the situation truly bad is that we Americans – collectively high-minded as we are to be careful not to judge other cultures by their fanatics – are often only too willing to surrender essential institutions of our own heritage and let those institutions be defined by the uncompromising few.

The Great CNBC Sucks is a Christian and a Republican, because I was born a Christian and I grew up a Republican.  Deal with it, or deal with it not.  I refuse to vacate the premises of my heritage just because my personal beliefs do not abide by the current and strictest momentary connotations of those words.  And anyone who cares about Christianity would be wise to learn something from what it means to be “Jewish”, and help reclaim a softer edge to what it means to be “Christian”; institutions endure only when they adapt and remain inclusive of their own members.  I would like to attend a “Christian picnic” again someday.  Would someone please start a new Meetup Group called ‘Secular Christians, Casual Gentiles, and Christmas-and-Easter-Only Catholics”?

Enjoy your Sabbath.

The Great CNBC Sucks’ Bio

The Great CNBC Sucks is widely regarded as the John D. Rockefeller (and not Jr. either) of the global “CNBC sucks” blog industry.  While details are sketchy, The Great CNBC Sucks has disclosed publicly that he works in the energy business and has an MBA from a perennial top-five business school (therefore, not MIT or the University of Chicago).  One of the best-known registered Republicans in the financial blogosphere due to his obsessive-compulsive rants on Barry Ritholtz’s The Big Picture, The Great CNBC Sucks claims to have defeated CNBC, helped the Democrats, and saved America using Republican tactics during the 2008 election campaign through his initial literary masterpiece, CNBC Sucks.  Always a writer, seldom a reader, The Great CNBC Sucks has been accused of “channeling” Hunter S. Thompson and James Joyce without actually having read either one’s work or even having stopped to browse the literature section of a Barnes & Noble.  Forever the “pre-millionaire”, The Great CNBC Sucks hopes to stay on Henry’s good side long enough to parlay his exposure on The Business Insider into a profitable line of dystopian erotica novels to be sold at airport bookstores everywhere.

Disclosure: The Great CNBC Sucks is a regretful long-term investor in Microsoft and Cisco, has holdings in various index funds, and has somehow managed to accumulate a handful of assorted worthless coins from various international travels.

Contact him at http://cnbcsucks.wordpress.com/contact/
Subscribe to his Twitter feed

THE END OF THE GREAT CNBC SUCKS, a.k.a. It is perfectly OK to be an investor, a CNBC viewer, a pervert, a sexist, a breast lover, a racist, a white supremacist, a nationalist, a liberal hater, a hater of homosexuals, a Southerner, any other type of redneck or hick, a NASCAR fan, a country music fan, a gun owner, a pro-lifer, a Christian, a conservative, a Libertarian, a Republican, and / or even a wealthy individual and VOTE ONLY FOR DEMOCRATS over the next thirty years

For all my talk of huge breasteses on this post and throughout my blog, I picked this photo of Jessica Biel because of those amazing, silkenly smooth thighs. Imagine motorboating with a bikini-clad, large-breasted Democrat such as Jessica Biel. If you are a Democrat, you might not even need a boat.

This post was formerly entitled “Unity” and it originally featured this photo of now President Barack Obama and now Secretary of State Hilary Clinton at their first post-primary public appearance together in Unity, NH, on June 27, 2008.  I still have my perfectly even 200 posts, as I repurposed the post with the fewest page views on this blog, so that it will be on the front page of this blog in posterity.  The last shall be first.  It is my own little version of income redistribution, only in this case, we are talking about page views.

I was going to write a long, final post as The Great CNBC Sucks, but I am so utterly sick of Republicans and CNBC (except Trish Regan) that I am also tired of writing about them, at least for free.  I need to focus on making money.  Instead of writing a long goodbye post, I recommend that you read Thomas Frank’s What’s the Matter with Kansas?  You can buy it here, you can read huge portions of it for free on Google, you can go to your local bookstore and read a chapter at a time, or you can borrow it from your local public library.  If you read that book - and if you have the sense to consider that my Republican Party has for thirty years been using the non-progressive tax code, huge deficit spending, reflationary monetary policies, lax regulatory regimes, and corrupt government subsidies for GOP favored industries such as Wall Street, oil, nuclear power, and defense to steal from the poor, middle class, and future generations and concentrate America’s wealth among only the rich – then you will understand the title of my post.  Unless you personally are a multimillionaire, the Republicans have been burglarizing all of us and our children for thirty years, and we need thirty years of Democratic dominance to get our money back.  Be careful, though, What’s the Matter with Kansas? makes me want to punch someone everytime I read it.

Thank you for visiting CNBC Sucks and to George for moderating this blog over the last two months.  I am moderating again, so please feel free to leave comments, but I will not comment in reply.  I have also created a contact page that provides instructions on how to reach me.

I wish you all the best.  With the help of Jessica Biel, Shannon Whirry, Eva Amurri, Halle Berry, Heidi Klum, and Scarlett Johansson, I leave with some “food for thought”, for old times’ sake.  Goodbye.

It is not known if huge-breasted CNBC Sucks all-time favorite Shannon Whirry is a Democrat, but since Wisconsin is a blue state with historically strong progressive traditions and she is very fittingly from THE DAIRY STATE, you just might have a one-in-a-billion chance of having highly pleasurable "big-breast sex" with Shannon Whirry if you are a Democrat.

As the daughter of longtime liberal activist Susan Sarandon, Eva Amurri is likely a Democrat. Assuming that Eva Amurri is a Democrat, a glance (or a stare) at those seductive Susan Sarandon-type eyes and those massive Shannon Whirry-type breasts will cause you to join the Democratic Party just to increase your chances of having pleasurably convulsive "big-breast sex" with Eva Amurri from non-existent to negligibly infinitesimal.

As a multimillionaire actress, Halle Berry really should not have to smuggle melons underneath her dress, but YOU might have to steal food in your old age if you continue to allow Republicans to destroy Social Security and Medicare. Join the Democratic Party to save yourself, and you just might hook up with a slim but stacked black woman.

Buxom German supermodel Heidi Klum is so liberal that she married a black bloke whose face probably scares his own small children. Sure, he had to be an ultra-talented and accomplished international pop star to hook up with Heidi Klum, but he did not need to have had a major hit in decades, did he? The world is so very liberal outside America.

Scarlett Johansson has a name that is hard to spell but breasts that are easy to love. Scarlett Johansson loves our Great President Obama so much that she had to deny having a crush on him. Imagine a week's "indoor vacation" with a young, busty blond Democrat like this one as your girlfriend and you will be a Democrat too.