Contact
My online buddy Moe Tkacik – who is actually a young, nubile woman named Maureen and former editor at Gawker – said that there are probably “women who have Internet crushes on (The Great CNBC Sucks)”. I told her “NO!” (as in “NO WAY!”), because I know that the vast majority of my audience are pud-pullers who want to read about Becky Quick’s hot flat-chestedness. I told Moe that women could just leave a comment anywhere on my blog and let me know how much they adore The Great CNBC Sucks, but she said women need an email address and the ability to “reach me“, or some womanly nuance that I as a Neanderthal male could never understand. That being said, and still expecting that there are NO women who have an Internet crush on The Great CNBC Sucks, I decided to create this “Contact” page so that I can instruct the various constituents of this blog on how to “reach me“, as follows:
1. If you are a woman, leave a comment on this page stating your purpose and including your email address; I will be the only person to see it, and I will get in contact with you. Your comment will not be published (it goes to a moderation queue first) and I will permanently delete your comment so that your confidentiality and privacy are completely protected.
2. If you are the editor or publisher of a paying publication who wants to hire The Great CNBC Sucks as a writer, see #1.
3. If you are a journalist and want to interview The Great CNBC Sucks regarding the continuing debacle that is our financial and economic system, see #1, but note that all interviews – primetime national television or otherwise – must be conducted in a way that preserves my anonymity and you must refer to me as “The Great CNBC Sucks”. No, you cannot refer to me as “the blogger who refers to himself as ‘The Great CNBC Sucks’”; you must actually call me “The Great CNBC Sucks”.
4. If you are a male blogosphere friend like “John Holmes” or “Wunsacon” or any of the fine guys at The Big Picture, sure you could do the same as #1, but don’t you think it would eventually get awkward for two guys to correspond anonymously? If you are Republican Ritholtz, keep up the good work, my friend.
5. If you are a potential buyer of this blog, George tells me that its fair value is $1,800. Since I am a registered Republican, I open the bidding at $10,000, unless you are CNBC, in which case my price is $500,000 or one year of Joe Kernen’s salary, whichever is higher.
6. If you are Trish Regan, I really like you, go see #1, but note that we would need to go Dutch.
7. If you are Erin Burnett, take a shower first, have your makeup artist do that awesome thing she does with your face, then see #1.
8. If you are Becky Quick, I had no idea that my post regarding your hot flat-chestedness would be a top 10 result on Google searches of your name. I am sorry.
9. If you are a wife, ex-wife, girlfriend, or ex-girlfriend of The Great CNBC Sucks, leave me alone.
10. If I really pissed you off and / or you think that I may have violated the law in any way, my first name is “Rick” and my last name is “Santelli”. Just kidding, I am really Sean Hannity.
This young female Democrat appears to be perfectly equipped, aware, positioned, and ready to cause a particularly pleasurable explosion of dopamine, norepinephrine, and phenylethylamine in the brain of that male Democrat who has won her affections. If decent healthcare, education, a good environment, and maybe even real Social Security for all Americans are not enough to convince you to join the Democratic Party, perhaps the possibility of becoming the "special friend" of a committed Democrat such as this young lady might be. And remember, The Great CNBC Sucks is proud to sacrifice for his country and remain a "registered Republican". (Photo from boobs4barack.com)
hydraulic car jack said
I have to say, that I can not agree with you in 100%, but that’s just my IMHO, which indeed could be wrong.
p.s. You have a very good template . Where did you find it?
Sheryl said
“Just so everyone reading this has context, Ritholtz, karen, and The Great CNBC Sucks are all Republicans.
(Ritholtz has massive traffic of silent readers. I know because I occassionally steal some of it.)”
Yes, Ritholz does have massive traffic of silent readers but some us are silent because we hurt Fatboy’s feelings and he will no longer let us post. He is definitely NOT a Repub.
P.S. Barry’s index finger is much longer than his index finger.
Little Guy said
CNBC really stands for Could Not Be Crazier!
Question. How do you make a million dollars?
Start with 2 million and watch CNBC every day.
thelittleguylobby.org
TAKE BACK AMERICA
LOLing said
Ok, first off the little guy is funny. Secondly, isn’t the word “masterpiece” in the byline pushing it? Come on, boobies, politics, Obama and CNBC….oh la la. I’m wowed.
NOT!
DAN said
FROM MELISSACNBC TWEET…Poll speculating on my bra size? http://bit.ly/3ku6Pc scroll WAY down on the right. terrifyingly accurate
cnbcsucks said
Dan, many thanks for that wonderful heads-up. You have given me the opportunity to get more page views, and as the world knows, I am a page-view whore.
youhoo said
Can you SUCK obongos dick any harder you pathetic prick?
cnbcsucks said
No, but I am sure your mother could.
mordecai said
Whatever happened to Kathleen Tanzy?