Former Salomon CEO John “ready to bite the ass off a bear every morning” Gutfreund was on Squawk Box this morning, and I actually had the audio on in the background. Since I do not normally pay attention to CNBC, I will link to the video when it becomes available, but I had to look up and chuckle when the laconic Gutfreund – who betrays a certain level of bemusement at the incompetence and chaos of the financial industry he departed – said something about the pointlessness of arguing over something trivial when “the ship is sinking”. Combined with Meredith Whitney’s presence, it was one of the better Squawk Box episodes in a long while, although all I can really take away from it is “the ship is sinking”. Mark Haines and Erin Burnett are now on and Erin’s hair is tussled and waxy looking. After a period of time when she would show up for work already showered, it looks like Erin Burnett has been slipping again.
[UPDATE, September 29, 2008:This video may or may not contain John Gutfreund's "sinking ship" comment, but this one definitely shows Erin Burnett's matted hair.]
The second appearance on Saturday Night Live by Tina Fey as Sarah Palin, with Amy Poehler playing Katie Couric tonight, was not as funny as Fey’s first appearance two weeks ago or Couric’s real interview with Palin. Somehow, given the way Barack Obama soundly beat up on John McCain last night, I have overcome my fear and burning-hot rage of this woman possibly becoming Vice President, and now look forward to her debate this Thursday with Joe Biden as pure entertainment and comedic value. The video below has a significant portion of Fey’s first appearance, with Poehler playing Hillary Clinton.
[UPDATE, September 28, 2008: Welcome to CNBC Sucks, new peeps. If you were looking for the video from tonight, go here.]
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Barack Obama beat up on John McCain tonight, on McCain’s alleged foreign policy turf, in a Republican red state. The 6’2″ Harvard Law superstar Obama kicked ass on the diminutive, old 5’6″ former prisoner of war, and oddly, McCain seemed to enjoy it. Rather than revisit vicious and still unproven allegations of McCain’s homosexuality by fellow Republicans during the 2000 primaries, I will let screenshots of CNN HD analyst scorecards speak for themselves. For each of the six analysts, there is a circle. The left red halves of each circle represented McCain and the right blue halves represented Obama; the upper number tallied positive points and the lower number tallied negative points for each side as the debate progressed. In the end, Barack Obama won, and it was not close. See the bottom photo with moderator Jim Lehrer for the final scores. For full coverage of the 2008 Presidential debates, go here.
Usually, the words “shithead”, “stupid”, “moron”, “dumbfuck”, “abject failure of American education“, “end of civilization“, and “must escape to Europe“ randomly come to mind when I see images of Sarah Palin, but today, the word is “Botox”. While I am a little slow on the uptake, I finally figured out what I hated about Sarah Palin’s face besides its tanning bed derived, unnatural smoothness, and that is how her facial muscles do not move when she talks. Isn’t Sarah Palin a little young to be taking Botox injections?
Combining her infuriating face and hair, nervous hick accent, and utter vacuum in terms of intellect, watching Sarah Palin has surpassed watching John McCain among my most unpleasant current experiences. If you are into masochism, go ahead and watch, while they last, these two parts of Katie Couric’s interview with the world’s first community college and tanning booth Vice Presidential candidate.
[UPDATE, September 26, 2008: Added a third video. Come on, Jack Cafferty, just call Sarah Palin "a stupid shithead fuck". I know you want to. CNN might fire you, but you owe it to your grandchildren.]
[UPDATE, September 30, 2008:Is Sarah Palin's lipliner a tattoo? I do not know, but let me add these completely random stream of consciousness search engine optimization keywords: Bitch is a menace to society.]
[UPDATE, September 30, 2008: I came to the conclusion a long time ago, back in 2000 as a Republican, that John McCain was ill-suited to be President. Over time, I have found him to be more erratic, blatantly irresponsible, and dangerous to this country than any terrorist. As President, he would have more power to destroy America (and other parts of the world) than Osama bin Laden. However, it was not until he named Sarah Palin that there was major tangible evidence that McCain was off the rails. Today came some more proof.]
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I was a Republican before I was a Democrat. I feared Barack Obama’s blackness before I adored his intelligence and grace. I considered Keith Olbermann a nuisance before I watched him every night. I never liked John McCain.
I never thought I would say this, but Senator Jim Bunning, you make me proud that I was a Republican for so many years. You stand up and question what seemingly everyone else is so eager to accept at face value, despite testimonies by Henry Paulson and Ben Bernanke that could hardly be described by anyone as convincing. You propose a reasonable smaller short-term solution when your peers are willing to yield the whole kit and kaboodle for The $700 Billion Bailout. I may not like anything else about you other than this and your Hall of Fame career as a baseball pitcher, but today, you give them hell, Jim Bunning.
[UPDATE, September 25, 2008: Ditto to you, Senator Richard Shelby. Thank you for your vigilance against Congress' rush to judgment. I will never forgive my former Republican Party for allowing an awareness of Sarah Palin's existence to invade my consciousness, but today, in your honor, I celebrate an old favorite.]
[UPDATE, September 25, 2008: I find myself in the odd position of watching The Rachel Maddow Show and agreeing completely with Senator Shelby and Pat Buchanan on opposing the bailout. OK, guys, since we seem to agree on old-fashioned and not neocon Republican values, let me ask you something: How can anyone who loves this country risk leaving it in Sarah Palin's hands?]
[UPDATE, September 27, 2008: In an earlier update on this post regarding Senator Richard Shelby, I linked to the Lynyrd Skynyrd classic, "Sweet Home Alabama", and to give equal honor to Senator Jim Bunning, I now link to my favorite thing about Kentucky. On a more serious note, after expressing my concerns about how The $700 Billion Bailout might negatively impact Barack Obama's clean energy investment promises on Grist and The Big Picture, I will be on the lookout for Senator Shelby's voice of reason this weekend. I still intensely disapprove of John McCain and Sarah Palin, but I am starting to feel a bit sheepish about my broader diatribe against my former Republican Party. (Actually, I remain registered as a Republican. Interestingly, Shelby is a former Democrat turned Republican, just like my enduring hero, Ronald Reagan. Teddy Roosevelt, one of my favorite Presidents in history, left the Republican Party - literally, its 1912 convention - to form the Progressive Party, also known as the Bull Moose Party.) While I continue to strongly support Barack Obama for President, I applaud Senator Richard Shelby's heroic stand for the American taxpayer and the future of this country.]
I used harsher language at first on this post, but I realized it is not worth it to be too angry at stupid people. God, protect this nation from the consequences of its own ignorance and prejudice.
[UPDATE, September 25, 2008: Yeah, now that I am in the op-ed business, I like to talk a little trash to history-making Pulitzer Prize winners. Come on, Arianna, do not delete yet another one of my comments. Note: This post was published originally on September 25, 2008, but I keep changing the date to make sure it is the lead item people see when they visit CNBC Sucks.]
[UPDATE, September 28, 2008: I have been prolific lately and I think I am getting better and better. I think I am even becoming efficient, and potentially I may post items faster than you can catch up on Recent Posts in the right sidebar, so be sure to visit The Best of CNBC Sucks. Actually, I make little UPDATES to existing posts so just click everything, like a maniac.]
[UPDATE, October 1, 2008: This post goes back to its place in the chronological order, as opposed to the front page. I have not helped Trish Regan's cause one bit. In fact, Erin Burnett has been catching up to Margaret Brennan since I wrote this post. If this is the way I am influencing elections, I may have to take my Barack Obama ad down.]
Let me begin by writing the random words “dennis kneale idiot” so that I can get this post immediately in the desired category. I have been writing too much under “Other” lately. I want to make sure I get everything right because this is the first Opinion Editorial on this blog.
Something has been troubling me recently. Yes, of course, the way John McCain has been able to get away with his lack of intelligence and knowledge (made possible by an American electorate that itself lacks intelligence and knowledge) combined with erratic, haphazard, and unethical behavior on a daily basis (“reasons why John McCain sucks” – an amusing search engine term that I see fairly regularly) causes my blood to boil. Sure, the imminent meltdown of the US economy and financial system is a major concern, and our descent into plutocratic kleptocracy (or kleptocratic plutocracy) even more disturbing. But today, I write to you about Trish Regan.
We have had 512 votes, count ‘em, in the creatively titled CNBC Most Attractive Woman poll. That is probably more votes than made Sarah Palin mayor of Wasilla, Alaska, putting her on the political doorstep of being able to make our species extinct. Thus far, Trish Regan has only 50 votes, or less than 10%. Now, I am not the type to try to persuade you on how you should vote. I have not even voted on this poll or the biggest tool on CNBC poll. I did vote “34D” on the Melissa Francis bra size poll, because 34D is one of my favorite bra sizes out there, along with 34DD, 36D, and 36DD.
It is time for the truth and the truth is this: Trish Regan is the hottest chick on CNBC. It is not even a contest. Yeah, yeah, I started this game by making Margaret Brennan the first #1 on the original hottest chicks on CNBC post. I called Becky Quick the hottest flat-chested chick of all time, even though that was really just a ploy to satisfy my page view whore needs (except when she wears a garish amount of makeup, mmm mmm). I instituted The Margaret Brennan Shrines I, II, III, and IV. I introduced the Real-Time CNBC Babe Rankings (real time seems to have stopped on Tuesday, July 22, 2008, at 1:11 AM EDT). I even went so far as to provide analyst coverage for nearly the entire talent pool on CNBC Bra Sizes. I have taken each and every step to assure objectivity and due diligence on the question of the hottest chick on CNBC, but it is time for truth and justice to be served. All along, I have been excessively and unfairly discounting Trish Regan’s hotness by my own obvious inability to afford one date with her, and I think you are, too.
Lately, I have been watching CNBC HD+ and things have become clear: Michelle Caruso-Cabrera has a nose big and crooked enough that it, combined with nearly everything else about her, would dampen even my most infantile breast obsession at a cocktail party. Maggie B is attractive and slim and stacked, but walk around Manhattan on a nice summer day, and you tell me you could not find five women just as hot in 10 minutes or fewer. Becky Quick’s appeal relies too much on good hair, and that is not always a sure thing. Erin Burnett is too messy, annoys too much when she keeps looking up at the Big Board with Mark Haines, and often times has not showered yet.
Yes, friends, there is one obvious choice in this election, the only choice. Trish Regan is beauty contest gorgeous, and I am not talking Miss Wasilla or Miss Buffalo Chip. In addition to being an opera singer, she graduated from Exeter and cum laude from Columbia, and not 5 community colleges and no-name schools over 6 years. In addition to probably coming from a wealthy family, Trish Regan might very well be the smartest woman on CNBC and just too nice to flaunt it. I have not seen the scary knife-wielding look in months, but the dead heat in the Zeppelin race is still there. Add long, shapely legs (see below), skin that has never seen a pimple, and meticulous landscaping that in all likelihood rivals Augusta National Golf Club, and Trish Regan is a world-class physical wonder, a temptuous delight for any rich man that wins her affections. I do recognize that some of you peeps would go so far as to complain that Trish Regan needs to lose weight or even prefer to perform your Jedi hand trick to Erin Burnett’s 12-year-old boy body, but I, for one, like a woman who is smart, has boobies, and a nice big ass. On top of all that, Trish Regan consistently conducts herself with taste and class.
I doubt very much if my new CNBC heroine, Trish Regan, could come from behind in the CNBC Most Attractive Woman poll. Her deficit, like the federal deficit, is too big. I think you have blown this election, America, you have blown this election badly. I can only hope that you do not similarly blow the election on November 4th, because the choice then is even more obvious, but the stakes are so much higher.
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